Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
