Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
