I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
