things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just invented taco cereal.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
