I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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