I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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