Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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