Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
