Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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