i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
