she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so let's talk penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
