The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
