I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
