Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
