I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
