when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
