ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
is it fun? or sober?
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