A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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