i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
