I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
