based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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