Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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