mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
