my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
