Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
