I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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