My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
