...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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