This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
