college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
