He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
