Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
