I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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