Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Quick, to the slutcave!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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