I need help removing her.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
