I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
