what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
