Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
