I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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