he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
