Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
