i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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