Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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