My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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