and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
