Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
