If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
