Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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