Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
