You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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