this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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